The idea of perfection and unrealistic expectations.

One of the biggest struggles I’ve faced since having children, is coping with the expectations and opinions of others. Whether I have asked for advice or not, coping with the ‘you should do this…’ or ‘you need to do that…’ has been really difficult.

If I wasn’t doing the same as what someone had advised me, I would beat myself up. I was doing it wrong. I was parenting badly. I was making mistakes that would mess my kids up. I was letting people down.

Too much sugar, not enough variety, too much screen time, not enough cuddles, being too firm, being too soft, too carefree, too restrictive….

I guess this is reflective of my own insecurities, I am the one to blame for feeling this way, not necessarily the people that voice their opinions, but I do feel that ‘society’, in the broadest term, sets out demands and ideals that are unrealistic and unattainable.

My kids have never been ‘good’ sleepers. After 11pm, Vinnie (22 months) will still wake up approximately 3-4 times. Some kids sleep, some don’t. No matter how much ‘training’ you do, in my opinion (or at least I hope), one day it will just click. I get that each child is different and will develop at different rates, but how do we cope with the comparisons, because let’s face it, we all compare our children (and ourselves) and feel a slight smugness when we think ours has excelled in something, and feel massively disheartened when it doesn’t work out the way we ‘planned’.

One of my boys is a ‘good’ eater, the other is very fussy. One of my boys is very sociable, the other is not and I worry that he comes across as being rude when he doesn’t say hello or talk at all. But why should I worry? Why do I care how he comes across? Each child is different, but yet there is something that thinks they should all be doing things the same.

Both of my boys have the Amazon kids kindles. They are used educationally and for entertainment. In my (defensive) opinion, technology is the universal language, of course they need to know how to use it. The boys play numbers and letters games, shape recognition, problem solving, etc etc so although I know that there is no need for them to learn these skills in an educational context at such a young age, at least their time is sometimes used wisely. Other times they are watching other kids play with toys that they themselves have in their bedroom, but I try to take full advantage of 5 minutes where they are entertained and I can consequently breathe. Is this bad parenting? Some would say so! They have a balanced lifestyle, and I try to get them to engage in as much variety as possible; running free, conforming, education activities, messy activities etc etc etc….

But who has the right to judge and form opinions on another parent/person? Yet everyone does it. My friend was crossing the road the other day, pushing her two boys in a double buggy. The road was clear, she crossed in a safe place, she then had a phone call from her poorly mother. A man driving past decided he had the right to shout at her, whilst she was with her children, and tell her to get off her phone. How dare he?! But he felt the need to judge and criticise and not only that to tell her off!!

So it’s not always the skills we teach our children that we panic about, but also that everything, at any second of the day, comes under scrutiny, not only from our own insecurities, but also from someone or other. Are we always being watched and judged? It’s no wonder we’re turning into an anxious society, this fear of always being or doing something ‘right’ can be debilitating. Where’s learning by trial and error? Surely we should celebrate difference?

I guess my biggest stress when it comes to coping with expectations and opinions stems from the build up to the diagnosis of Frankie’s eczema and allergies and even now I still struggle with managing it. ‘Have you tried this…?’ ‘My friend has that….’ it’s a minefield and the constant questioning and being told what to do is exhausting. I guess I am guilty of telling people what I did and what worked for us, but I’ve also been on the receiving end. Advice is welcome but why beat ourselves up if we’re doing it wrong. We’re all trying our best, and when someone knocks that confidence even if ever so slightly and unintentionally, the spiralling effect can become so consuming, that every aspect of our lives becomes questioned.

I am no way out of the woods yet. I have not found the right mechanisms to cope with this desire for perfection and reflectivily I don’t want to be perfect. I am constantly beating myself up for not doing something the ‘right’ way, or in fact for doing it ‘differently’, but when I show a little snippet of a happy family snap on social media, I am not trying to brag that we’ve achieved the best or that everyone should be like us, far from it in fact, but actually for one moment in my own way I was winning!! Well, the socialised version of winning. I was proud of that moment so I wanted to show it off.

At the end of the day, they are my children and essentially I will parent them as best as I can doing what I think is right. I still feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and judgement, but I’m really trying hard and as long as I’m doing my best, that should be all that matters.