My anxiety took over – I didn’t go, but it was ok

Last weekend was a big event in St.Ives, ‘The St.Ives Food Festival’, an event where the principles ring true to my heart. Food, drinks, the beach, fun, my friends and mostly it supported local businesses, but I couldn’t go. Not because I wasn’t allowed or was unable to, but because my anxiety had taken over.

The event was on the beach and limited parking. This started my downwards spiral. I’d have to get the train and although the boys would love the train, I was so anxious about taking them on it and all my luggage. I’ve done this trip before and it’s not the most accessible journey, (Cornwall’s public transport system is shockingly awful). I’d also have to load the car and consequently unload it after driving to the train station. This isn’t necessarily problem but just an extra stress. I’d also have to make sure we were timed well, again not a massive problem but another thing to consider.

I also panic about what I have to take out with me and making sure I have it all. I think this stems from have children with allergies. I always have to make sure I have medication (Epi-pens, anti histamines, pain relief etc) and also enough food as it’s not easy just to grab something for the boys whilst I’m out. There’s also all the other things; Suncream, towels, spare clothes, hats, beach toys etc etc. The list goes on….

My next issue is sleep and consequently the children having a nap. I long for bedtime, both mine and the boys. I want the kids to go to sleep at their usual time as it the only time I get to myself. Some people may judge me for this, but actually it’s so important to have your own headspace. Even if I have work to do, knowing that the kids are asleep makes it all that bit more manageable. If we were to go out all day, I would be certain that one or both of them would fall asleep on the way home, consequently causing disruption for their bedtime and therefore for the rest of the evening. Me and Mike also get very limited time together, our Sunday evenings are so precious and although we love our kids we need to make sure we have a little bit of time just us.

Next in my anxiety overload, was the worry that one of the boys would want to do one thing and the other would want to do something different. Again not a problem, and actually the least one of my worries. But it was still a concern nonetheless.

I trust Frankie completely to not touch or go near food that he’s not allowed. He’s such a cautious boy and is really mindful of what he can and can’t do/have. Vinnie on the other hand is the complete opposite. Not only is he too young to understand, he’s also carefree and will do what he wants when he wants!!! He keeps me on my toes!!

If I’d have gone to this event I wouldn’t have relaxed. I would have been on edge the whole time, whether I would have shown it or not, I would have constantly been worrying but also really craving a bit of freedom to enjoy the festival with my friends.

I built up the courage to say we’d go. If I could control my overwhelming sense of worry, I know we could have had a lovely day.

However, Frankie decided he didn’t want to go, he didn’t want to go to the beach or to the bouncy castle. Instead he wanted to play in our garden with his cars and dance to music. We did this. All four of us stayed at home in the garden. It was sunny and safe and we had everything we all needed and wanted.

I was still worried about not making the effort to go down to the festival, especially as I really wanted to see my friends (and didn’t want to let them down) and more so to support the event and all the hard work that goes into it, but to make my day a success, we kept it simple. Do you know what? It was perfect.