Admitting that I wasn’t ok.

Throughout this blogging journey I hope to inspire some of you to find ways to cope with life, children, allergies, eczema and working whilst juggling it all. I want my posts to be helpful and to make certain aspects of our journeys easier.

Firstly, a bit about how I got here.

I found the last few months of my life, the hardest ever. If you’ve ever had a hurdle that seemed impossible to get over, you will know the feeling.

I felt so out of control and completely overwhelmed. I have always wanted to be a mother and a wife, but actually this was turning out to be a complete loss of myself.

My mum asked me a question… what makes you happy? And I couldn’t answer her.

I felt so low and I don’t know why. I was always looking for an escape and longed so badly for bedtime. I very quickly got irritable and angry, traits which I always prided myself of being in control of. I felt so guilty.

I was completely burnt out and frustrated. Frankie (my eldest, 3 years 5 months) had been poorly since Christmas and this was April. My youngest, (Vinnie, 20 months) was teething again, and he teethed horrendously!!!

I was always worrying and anxious. Always trying to make sure everything was ok for everyone else, just not myself. I needed time for me.

I felt awful saying that I didn’t want to be with the kids, but I was with them ALL the time. I was always having to think and plan everything (unfortunately something that comes with having kids with severe food allergies) and it was just exhausting.

I wanted/needed Mike’s help. And asking for help was a big deal. He’s grown up with the mindset that you just ‘get on with it’, but I couldn’t do that anymore. I guess I could have asked sooner, but I also felt that I probably shouldn’t have had too.

Aside from chronic eczema and severe food allergies, my first baby was a dream. He was an easy boy and this is still true of his nature now. My second baby, who we nickname ‘The Beast’, is the complete opposite. He’s funny and loving and happy and has a million positive qualities, but boy does he keep me on my toes. I’ve said since day one that he has fire in his belly, and this fire is getting stronger.

We own a small Italian restaurant and live directly above it. Our accommodation and work space are all interlinked, so we don’t have any privacy. My kitchen is the walkthrough for all the staff to storage areas, my bathroom is at the top of an open staircase and my front door is also the restaurants front door.

This all contributed to how I was feeling. I couldn’t vocalise exactly what it was but all I could say was that I was really struggling. I didn’t know how to help myself. I didn’t know how to help the boys and I didn’t know how to ‘fix’ everything. Something I always felt that I had to accomplish.

I had lost all joy and struggled to find things that brought me joy.

BUT, I spoke to my mum, my closest friends and my husband. This in itself was a huge leap. I opened up and admitted that there was something not right.

In turn each one helped me. They helped me relate to things that they had been through, they helped me realise that ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ and also that they had noticed it. I felt relief, I wasn’t making things up and over worrying in my head. However, at the same time I was gutted. I was broken and needed fixing.

However, I wasn’t questioned. I wasn’t told what I ‘should be doing’. I was simply aided.

This process of healing is far from complete. But for those of you out there who feel like you cry everyday, due to frustration, confusion, feeling alone, feeling incompetent – you’re not. I’m here. You’re loved ones are there. And we want to help.

If by talking about my experiences helps any one single person realise their self worth then this whole process has been worth it.

I’m not all about doom and gloom and woe is me. But to see the positive we have to talk about the hardships. There are not always easy solutions to problems, but I will try to show some of the processes and options I have which make some situations a little easier.

Finally, please don’t judge me, I’m only human.